The Burning Continues

I turned onto my street, on my way home from work, and I see it. The van. That same van that I used my inheritance gift money to buy, $10,000 cash. It's sitting outside my parents house. I hesitate for moment because being in her presence is almost too difficult for me to bear. But I continue. I figure that if she was bold enough to come to my parents house, than I'd be strong enough to confront her.

I walked through the door and immediately my heart felt like it was giving out. I feel in shock. Here is the girl I fell in love with a year and a half ago, married in Nov, and separated in April. She apologized for being there and for a few extremely tense moments, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. To some degree or another, I always felt like I was walking with eggshells around her. Being around her was sometimes like walking through a mine-field. Today that feeling was magnified a thousand times over. I started to have a panic attack so she left.

She made some comment about how I wasn't able to look her in the eyes. I couldn't respond to that. It wasn't because I was angry at her, it wasn't even because I thought she was angry at me...it was because even though we're getting divorced, and even though the divorce was ultimately my decision...I still miss her immensely and I miss the kids. That's the most painful thing about all of this. It's like this...have you ever wanted something so bad but you ultimately knew that it was the last thing you needed...like say, a double-fudge chocolate icing with chocolate chip and snickers cake. You want to eat the damn thing but you know that if you do, you're going to die of a freaking heart attack.

I know that being with her is a mistake...for both of us. But my appetite is telling me "EAT!" So when I'm around her, I have to put up barriers to protect myself. I can't allow myself to be manipulated back into being with her.

I guess she got so frustrated over the fact that I wasn't responding to her abuse (sending me text messages at 2 a.m. to tell me that she just spent a couple hours with a few friends of mine from the local music scene and that they now think I'm a "fuck-face." She's also tried to destroy my reputation with other friends and so she's come to do the same with my mom.

I can't believe that all of this is happening. She's become some sort of stranger...and I suppose I have to. It wouldn't be normal to go through something like this and NOT become a different person. Will I ever be able to trust another person? I hope so...

*shakes magic 8 ball*

"Outlook does not look good."